Why is saying goodbye so hard for my child?

Written by Matt MaLossi, parent behind How They're Wired.

The short answer. Some goodbye distress is part of normal development, and some children feel it more because they are naturally cautious in unfamiliar settings or with unfamiliar people. For most children, it's a stage that eases as they get comfortable with the place and the people. If it lasts for weeks and starts getting in the way of school, friends or activities, it's worth asking a professional.

Why it happens

It's a normal developmental phenomenon. A pediatric review describes separation anxiety as normal from late in the first year through the early preschool years, and notes that telling normal from problem levels can be hard at those ages.[1] It also reports that up to 50% of 8-year-olds report some separation-anxiety symptoms without significant interference in their lives.[1] So some goodbye worry at school age is common, not a sign that something is wrong.
The setting changes things. A child who is fine at a familiar friend's house may struggle at a new class. Cautious children respond more strongly to the unfamiliar,[2] and goodbyes are hardest where the child doesn't yet know the people or the routine.

How temperament shapes this

Some kids walk in without looking back. Others need a minute, or ten.

If your child hangs back with new people and places. Research from the 1980s found some children reliably hang back and stay close to a parent with unfamiliar people or things, and that this tends to last across the early years (children aged 21 months to 5.5 years).[2] Our reasoning A new class or a new sitter is a bigger step for this child.
If your child takes in a lot. A research review describes a trait called environmental sensitivity. Children who are higher in it are more affected by stressful surroundings, and they also gain more from supportive ones.[3] In UK samples of children and teens aged 8 and up, roughly a fifth to a third scored high.[4] Our reasoning This child may feel the rush of a goodbye more strongly, and may also settle better with a calm, steady send-off. No study has tested that for goodbyes.
If your child feels things strongly and settles slowly. In 361 infants followed into preschool, strong early negative emotion predicted both acting-out and worried behavior at about age 4, and low sociability and shyness predicted worried behavior.[5] Our reasoning The first few minutes after you leave may be the hardest, so a plan for them matters.

One thing to try

Common practice, partly our reasoning

Make the goodbye short and the same every time: the same hug, the same phrase, then go. Tell your child when you'll be back in terms of their day, such as “after snack.” If a teacher or host is there, ask them to greet your child by name and give a first job, like handing out the cups.

The nearest research is about building bravery over time. A parent group program for cautious 4-year-olds taught gradual practice with feared situations and less overprotection, and at age 6 those children had fewer anxiety symptoms than a comparison group.[6]

Fitting it to your child

If your child hangs back with new people: Common practice, partly our reasoning Visit the place first with you, meet the person, and build up little by little. Gradual practice is what the cautious-preschooler program taught.[6]
If your child takes in a lot: Our reasoning Keep the send-off calm, quiet and the same each time.
If your child settles slowly: Our reasoning Ask the teacher to meet your child at the door with a job, and plan a comfort step for the first few minutes.

When to ask for more help

Talk to your pediatrician if the distress is much stronger than is typical for the child's age, has lasted at least four weeks, and is getting in the way of school, friendships or other daily activities. Researchers estimate that roughly 3% to 4% of children meet that bar, and treatments supported by controlled studies exist, including therapy with the parents involved.[1]

What the research can and can’t tell us

We found no study that tests goodbye routines at ages 3 to 10, so the goodbye steps are common practice, not research findings. We hold back specific scripts until we can support them.
The program for cautious preschoolers was six sessions led by clinical psychologists, and anxiety disorders and broader emotional problems weren't significantly different at age 6. It supports the direction of gradual practice, not any single parent step.
The research on children who hang back describes a tendency, not what to do about it, and it doesn't say the tendency never changes.
The idea that goodbyes are hardest in unfamiliar settings is partly our reasoning.
The sensitivity research is newer than the work on cautious temperament. The review concludes sensitivity is best seen as a continuum, and the high, medium and low groups are an approximation, the scale is for ages 8 and up. We did not find prevalence figures for younger children.
Matching a step to a child's temperament is our reasoning. We found no trial that tests it, and the descriptions above are tendencies, not boxes a child fits into.

Every child is wired a little differently

The quiz shows how your child handles new people and places, so the goodbye tips fit them. 15 minutes, free for now.

Start with your child

Sources

Peer-reviewed review Hanna GL, Fischer DJ, Fluent TE. Separation anxiety disorder and school refusal in children and adolescents. Pediatrics in Review, 2006;27(2):56-62. View studyA clinical review of separation anxiety.
Peer-reviewed study Kagan J, Reznick JS, Snidman N. The physiology and psychology of behavioral inhibition in children. Child Development, 1987. View studyChildren aged 21 months to 5.5 years. It describes the pattern; it does not test any parent step.
Research review Greven, Lionetti, Booth, Aron, Fox, Schendan, Pluess, Bruining, Acevedo, Bijttebier & Homberg. Sensory processing sensitivity in the context of environmental sensitivity: A critical review and development of research agenda. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 98, 287–305, 2019. View studyA critical review. The authors say knowledge is still lagging and better measures are needed.
Measurement study Pluess, Assary, Lionetti, Lester, Krapohl, Aron & Aron. Environmental sensitivity in children: Development of the Highly Sensitive Child scale and identification of sensitivity groups. Developmental Psychology, 54(1), 51–70, 2018. View study3,581 children and teens in UK samples. The scale is for ages 8 and up. Whether the groups are real categories is still being tested.
Longitudinal study Gartstein, Putnam & Rothbart. Etiology of preschool behavior problems: Contributions of temperament attributes in early childhood. Infant Mental Health Journal, 33(2), 197–211, 2012. View study361 infants followed to about age 4 (187 at the last visit), mostly white, middle-class families. Parent reports, so it shows links, not cause.
Randomized trial Bayer JK, Prendergast LA, Brown A, Harris L, Bretherton L, Hiscock H, Beatson R, Mihalopoulos C, Rapee RM. Cool Little Kids parenting program, two-year follow-up. Child and Adolescent Mental Health, 2020. View study545 parents of cautious preschoolers, followed from about age 4 to 6. The link goes to a research digest of the paper.

The full list of everything we cite is on the Sources page.

How to read the labels.

“Supported by related research” means studies of related situations or groups back the idea.

“Common practice” means it is widely recommended but little tested.

“Our reasoning” means it is our best thinking, not a finding.

General information for parents, not medical advice or a diagnosis. Read our statement.